Real (The 100 Bellarke)
by hellabellarke
Summary: Post S4 fanfiction from Clarke's point of view. "Get out of my damn head!" "I'm only here because you want me here." "Yes, I want you here! But not this version of you. I want you. Real you."
1. Chapter 1

Day 107. I doubted I would ever forget day 107. It was the first day I saw him.

I doubted I would ever forget my relief, my _joy_. Which was soon overcome by confusion.

"Clarke!" He had yelled, and I had froze in place where I stood, my heart skipping a beat. I knew that voice. And I missed that voice. With my whole heart.

After a moment, I spun around, I locked my ocean blue eyes with dark brown ones. Ones that I pictured every night before I went to sleep. Ones that I closed my eyes and remembered staring into every time I spoke to him on the radio. Ones that I begged I wouldn't forget.

"Bellamy?" I had asked, my throat dry and raw. I hadn't used it yet this morning, I was just heading out to find somewhere to radio him, but here he was. In the flesh.

It was then that I remembered I was on a toxic soaked planet and the only thing keeping me alive what the black blood that flowed through my veins. Something Bellamy didn't have.

How could he be here? How could he possibly be alive on this planet yet, how could he be breathing this air and not falling to his knees as he choked on the radiation.

Yet, there he stood, less than ten feet away from me. My jaw hung open in shock and I cautiously approached him.

"How- Bellamy, how are you here?" I asked, my voice coming out no louder than a whisper. He just stared at me.

"How are you?" He asked, his voice sounded strangely distant, but still the best thing I had ever heard.

"I missed you so much," I say, my voice cracking over my sentence as I reach forward and engulf him in my arms.

At least, I try to.

Yet instead of burying my head in his shoulder and having his familiar scent wash around me as his arms grip onto me like I had only dreamed of for the past 107 days, I almost fall on my face as I walk right through him.

"B- Bellamy?" I ask, feeling the lump at the back of my throat harden as I spin around, trying desperately to find him. Yet, he is nowhere to be found. Like he was never there.

Spoiler alert: he wasn't.

—

I spend the next week and a half thinking about my experience, trying to forget how lost and broken I felt when he vanished. It was like losing him all over again. I never wanted to feel that way again.

It happened again when I was walking back from a bath at the river, holding my shoes in one hand and my radio in the other. I had decided that I appreciated the feeling of soil beneath my feet much more ever since I found this place. I called it Eden. At least, that's what I referred to it as when I talked to Bellamy. But the soft dirt beats the sharp, hard sand of anywhere else any day.

I smile as a warm breeze blows over me, and place my radio down beside the stump I had started coming to regularly to do these daily calls.

I set up the tiny satellite dish and take a seat bringing the radio to my lips. But just before I can click down on the button to interrupt the static, I see movement in the trees.

At first, I assume it's an animal. But so far, I had only seen vultures and small rodents. Nothing big enough to cause the movement I just saw. So I place the radio down on the stump and slide my boots on, walking slowly and silently toward the bush that had rustled a moment before.

I stop dead when I see Bellamy again. He stands there and offers me a small smile. I frown at his presence, feeling tears well up in my eyes again.

"What are you doing here?" I ask harshly, knowing very well this isn't Bellamy. Also knowing very well I would never speak to the real Bellamy like that.

"Jeez, Princess," He replies, putting his hands up in mock defense. "Who rained on your parade?"

I can't help but to let a small smile cross my features at his remark. He sounded so normal. So _real_. I feel a tear drip down my face.

"I wish you were really here," I say, as I look down at my boots to wipe away the tear that had slipped down my cheek.

When I look back up, he's gone.

—

Over the next few months, I start to see 'Bellamy' more and more. By the end of the third month I see him almost every day. But the days I don't, I don't even want to get into that.

I actually forgot to radio call _real_ him one day because I was talking so much with other him. I felt bad about it for a week. It was then that I realized that all of these memories I was making, all of these conversations I was having, I might remember. But he won't.

 _He's not real._

I tell myself that practically every morning when I wake up, when I step outside my tent and breathe in the scent of the forest deeply, letting it wake me up.

 _He's not real._

I tell my when I head down to the river, not even bothering to bring my boots anymore.

 _He's not real._

I tell myself when I see other Bellamy smirking at me from the shore.

"Maybe I should join you!" He calls, as I strip out of my clothes and climb into the chilly water. I laugh at his remark.

"No one's stopping you!" I call back, a large smile plastered on my face.

He fake scoffs at me, grinning widely.

"You just want to see me shirtless!" He says in return, and I scowl at him, rolling my eyes.

"You wish, _Princess_." I mock the nickname he had once called me, and he fake gasps, covering his heart with his hand. I stick out my tongue at him before continuing to bathe.

 _He's not real._

—

"Hey, Bellamy," I greet into the radio, glancing up at the sky. It looks like it might rain. 'Bellamy' is craning his neck upwards too, and I can't help but stare. Everything about him is perfect. I wondered if I would ever see it on the real him again.

"Looks like rain," He mentions, and I shush him before returning to my call.

"It's been 191 days since you guys went up to the ark. I wonder if you're keeping count, too. Oh, who am I kidding, you're probably having too much fun eating Monty's algae." I say, a small chuckle rising from my lips.

"Anyways, I miss you. All of you. But, and don't tell Raven, I miss you the most." I let my eyes drop to the ground, feeling a wave of sadness wash over me.

"I miss your hugs," I say quietly. "I miss your smell, I miss your touch, but mostly, just you. I just miss you." I smile, reminiscing in old moments that me and Bellamy have shared.

"God, this would be so much easier if I knew you were alive." I cast a sideways glance at the grief and loneliness induced hallucination sitting next to me.

"If I knew I was going to see you again," I smile sadly. Then I breathe in deeply and shake my head, clearing my sad thoughts.

"I'll see you guys soon, okay?" I say, knowing I'm not going to receive an answer as I pick up my satellite dish and carry it to the cabin I am staying in. I place it safely indoors, fretting on what could happen if it got rained on.

Bellamy follows me in.

"You okay?" He asks, genuine concern written over his features. Odd, that a look so real could come from something so not.

"Yep," I say, trying to hide my sadness.

"Clarke," He says, and I swear he's really here. He just sounds so... Bellamy.

"I just, what if I never see him again? What if the signal didn't send to the ark in time. What if he's..." My breath hitches in my throat as I leave the unspoken word hanging heavy in the atmosphere.

He just offers a defeated smile, reflecting perfectly on my emotions right now. My face scrunches up as I fight off tears, wishing I could just do one thing right now.

"I wish I could hug you," I say, my voice no louder than a whisper

"Me too, Princess."

 _He's not real._

 **. . .**

 **OKAY SO THAT'S CHAPTER ONE! I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE THIS. i will be writing this book AS WELL as the other one that i talked about in my one shots, but i just had this idea and i HAD TO write this. so let me know what you think about this one. please review! your input means a lot to me. love you guys!**


	2. Chapter 2

_"Bellamy!" I cry, spinning around as I watch the chaos around me, searching the faces of the hundred to find his. Finn shifts beside me, and I can only hope he is looking for Bellamy as desperately as I am._

 _"I trust him!" I try not to let my already spoken words echo in my mind as I pray with everything in me that Finn will get over the fact that I may actually have a friendship with someone that's not him, and help me find Bellamy._

 _"Clarke! There!" I hear him shout over the yells echoing around the camp we had spent weeks building. Pointlessly. Yet all my previous thoughts fly out of my head at Finn's words and I immediately snap my head over to where he is looking._

 _Then I see him, fighting who I had began to assume was the leader of this attack. I watch as he points a gun at the mans face and pulls the trigger, but there is no rewarding bang. I could imagine the slight click it made, and Bellamy looks down at it helplessly. In that moment, I don't give two shits how much of an ass Bellamy has ever been to me, or anyone for that matter, I just want to help him._

 _I jolt up from where I am crouched, but before I can make a break for him, Finn's arm wraps around my wrist, pulling me back down. Holding onto me so tightly that I can't break my arm free._

 _"Let me go!" I cry, wrenching my arm away from his, however, his clasp does not budge. I avert my eyes back to Bellamy, who is being beaten severely by the grounder, who has drawn his sword on an unarmed Bellamy._

 _I bring my eyes back to Finn's, knowing very well they are watering, and I begin to plead._

 _"You have to let me go, please Finn," I say, but his resolve doesn't budge. I look back at Bellamy._

 _"He's going to kill him!" I cry out, trying to break my arm free of his grasp again. But he makes no move to let me go._

 _"Clarke, think about this, what are you going to do? You don't have a weapon, and if Bellamy can't beat him, what makes you think you can?" Finn's words fly right over my head as I watch Bellamy be struck again, and I fall to my knees._

 _My eyes find Finn's and something suddenly seems to click for him as he stares into my broken expression. His eyes harden and he finally releases my arm, before turning on his heel and running straight toward the grounder chief attacking Bellamy._

 _"No!" I call out, feeling more tears splash down my cheeks. "I can't lose you both!" I cry, but he doesn't hear me, he's over at Bellamy's side, and together, they begin to battle the grounder. But he is much larger than them, much stronger, and he's the one holding the sword. Not Finn. Not Bellamy._

 _I choke back a sob as I stand slowly, walking toward the dropship. Miller ushers me inside and I place my hand on the lever. The lever that will shut out Bellamy and Finn and leave them to die with the rest of the grounders and the people left behind._

 _"Finn and Bellamy?" I hear Jasper question, sounding strained. I swallow hard and clench my jaw, unable to even answer with words. I slowly shake my head and turn away instantly so he can't see the tears that are threatening to fall._

 _I lift my hand to the lever and close my fist around it. Then, slowly but surely, I pull down on it, and hear the mechanical hum as the giant door on the dropship closes slowly. I keep hoping that they will just hop in the top, that they will be okay. But I know it's pointless. Hope is pointless._

 _So instead of watching the opening and waiting for them to enter, I close my eyes and let out a shaky breath. I pretend that I'm back on the ark. I pretend that I'm with my father, and that he's telling me everything's going to be okay. I pretend I can't hear the hiss as the doors come to a close, blocking out any chances of them coming back._

I feel a tear drip down my face, yet I wipe it away immediately, turning back to Jasper to watch as he blasts off. To watch as he burns all the grounders out there, who are now banging on the sides of the metal ship. To watch him kill the two most important people on the ground to me.

My eyes fly open and I sit up in bed, panting and looking from side to side, half expecting a grounder to jump out of the darkness and put an end to my pathetic, lonesome half-life.

However, I quickly remembered where I was, and felt a slight wave of relief wash over me. Bellamy wasn't dead, I didn't kill him way back then on our first few weeks on the ground.

But a lot of the time, it felt like he was. For all I know, he could be. I bite my lip as I try to think of something else. That is, until I hear shuffling on the other side of the room.

I instantly reach for my gun, pointing the small pistol, toward the noise. It was practically pitch black in here, only a slight ray from the moon illuminating a small patch of the ground through a window.

Then he stepped out of the shadows and saw me, pointing the gun at him threateningly. He seemed unfazed.

 _Of course he did, Clarke. He's not even him_. I think, hearing Bellamy's voice in the back of my mind.

"Bad dream?" He asks. I can't help but roll my eyes.

"You're not really here." I state, not bothering to answer his question.

"Yeah, I know." He says, and I almost feel a pang of guilt for him. For a hallucination.

 _God, Clarke, either you're going crazy, or you've had one too many cups of Monty's moonshine._

"Why are you here?" I grumble, beginning to grow annoyed with him.

"I don't know, you tell me." He says with a shrug, which only frustrates me further. I stand up from my bed, walking toward him slowly.

He eyes me as I walk right up to him, stopping a few inches from his face. I inspect him up close, every freckle, every dimple, every scar, every flaw. It's actually amazing that my mind can create something so real and shove it right in my face.

The human brain is impressive.

"It's because I miss you," I say, my voice cracking over the sentence, and he tenses. Like real Bellamy would whenever I said anything that implied talking about emotions. He was funny that way.

He just smiles lightly, and I smile back, not ceasing to inspect every inch of his face.

I enjoy this moment while it lasts, and as we're staring into each others eyes, I almost forget that he isn't really here. That this isn't really him.

Almost.

 **. . .**

 **that's chapter two! what do you think? as you probably noticed, the memory she dreamed about wasn't exactly what happened but i just decided to have fun with it. I still tried to follow the basic story line, though. i hope you enjoyed! please leave a review about what you thought!**


	3. Chapter 3

"Raven!" I exclaim suddenly into the radio, popping another light red berry in my mouth as I kick my feet up on the makeshift table and lean back.

I close my eyes and let a contented sigh escape my lips. The air smells so sweet at this time of the year.

"Surprise," I say, a smirk edging onto my features.

"I bet, if you're even listening, I bet you'd think I'd talk to Bellamy," I say, lightly chuckling.

"Well, even though it may sometimes seem like it, he's not the _only_ one I miss." I emphasize the word only and raise my eyebrows, as if she could somehow see me.

"I miss you too, I miss all of you." I smile at the ground.

"Hell, I even miss Murphy, that ass." I roll my eyes and pick up another berry between my fingertips.

"I worry about you," I say suddenly, shifting the atmosphere ever so slightly.

"I mean, I worry about all of you, of course, but you. . . and Bellamy, I worry about you the most." I speak quietly into the radio, before swallowing the lump that had seemed to form in my throat within seconds.

"Murphy and Emori have each other, and Harper and Monty have each other two." I say, trying not to think about the fact that I could have someone too, if that damn satellite would've worked on it's own.

"But you and Bellamy, it's like you two are cursed. Everyone you've ever had," I take a breath in and ignore the blatantly obvious fact that I have the same rotten luck as them.

"Raven, you lost everyone. Finn," My voice cracks.

"Wick, Sin Clair, your mom," I bite my tongue and ponder the words I'm saying. If Raven really can hear me, is this really what she wants to hear?

Oh well, I've definitely said some things on here that she doesn't want to hear already.

"And Bellamy," I say, finally addressing him personally. I instantly glance around, just checking to see if my mind will play anymore tricks on me, and make him appear before me. Again.

"Your mother on the Ark, Gina, now even Octavia. Now even. . ." I let my voice trail off so I don't say something that will stab me in the chest more than anything else already has.

I close my eyes and shake my head lightly.

"Real cheerful, Clarke." I get out, mimicking Bellamy's voice.

"Anyway, I just hope everything's going okay up there. You know, with Bellamy and Echo trapped in the same metal tube for five years.

I let out a small laugh.

"Go easy on her, okay? I know she's made mistakes, but we all have." I half smile.

"Give her a chance?" The statement comes out as more of a question, one I know I won't recieve the answer to.

Its then I decide that I've done enough wallowing today.

I quickly pack up the radio and stash it in the small church I had taken up residency in. I then head to the river.

When I get there, I am almost shocked to see a figure sitting on the rocks. I haven't seen _him_ in almost a week.

I let out a sigh, half of annoyance, but half of relief. As much as I hate to admit it; I missed him.

"Hey," I say, as I plop myself down beside him, staring out at the sparkling water.

"Hey," He replies, casting a glance in my direction.

We sit in silence for a few moments, just breathing in the smell of the forest, of the water. It almost smelled like rain.

"Remember the dropship days?" I question all of a sudden. I'm feeling very sentimental.

"How could I forget?" He asks, a slight smirk in his tone.

"We were at each others throats, every second of the day," I chuckle, letting a peaceful smile cross over my face as we travel down memory lane.

"And you with that whole, 'Pft, I'm Bellamy Blake, nothing scares me. Whatever the hell we want!' crap?" I say, doing my best to intimidate Bellamy's voice.

"Please," He scoffs, "I never said 'Pft, I'm Bellamy Blake, nothing scares me.'" He shoots, but I can hear the playfulness in his tone.

"Well maybe not _exactly_ that," I reply, "But I could've sworn you said something very similar."

He tilts his head at me.

"That day trip we went on, to the bunker? It was _preeeetty_ dark down there, wasn't it?" I tease, and he just laughs.

"That was a long time ago," He says, focusing his attention back on the river.

"Hm," I shrug, and look back at the water as well.

"I thought you were so sexy," He suddenly breathes, and it startles me somewhat, it's things like this that make me question my own sanity.

I scrunch my nose up at him.

"What?" I ask, a grin still plastered on my features.

"I mean, yeah, I was constantly pissed as hell at you, but it's not like I could ignore it." He says shaking his head lightly as he thinks back to the dropship.

Or he doesn't, because he's not really here.

"Of course, I never acted on it. I used to think that it was because we didn't get along, but I realized that it was honestly just because I respected you so much." A slight blush creeps up his neck as he speaks.

"You know, you're kind of amazing Clarke Griffin." He says, finally meeting my eyes.

I stare into his brown orbs for a while, before snapping myself out of my trance.

"Aw, don't be jealous, Bel," I speak up, and he scoffs lightly.

"I get it, you're just not as . . . amazing as me," I tilt my head at him and shrug, unbothered.

"Don't worry, maybe one day you'll make it," I let out a chuckle at the end of my statement and he does too.

"Yeah yeah, shut up." He says, laughing quietly.

I playfully nudge him with my shoulder.

Except I don't.

Because I practically fall through him. Then he's gone.

I suddenly feel drained. Sad. But above all, lonely. I feel so damn lonely.

Almost like I'm the only person on this whole planet.

And sometimes, during moments like these, I forget that I am.

 **. . .**

 **hey, this took SOO long to post, and i'm so so so sorry, i hope you like it though!**


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